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April 1998 Journal...One Year Anniversary of Weight Loss Journal

April 2nd: Well, this morning I had my "diet doctor" referral visit. I'm sure I'm going to get lots of flames and people telling me that this program is not good for me...well, frankly I've heard them all before, and I've tried the low calorie way for 18 months only to have gained 140 lbs.  I am going to do the liquid supplement diet. It is medically supervised, all my doctor and lab visits are covered under my insurance and they have a lifetime maintenance program.  Before any of you send me emails saying "but..but..but Oprah did the same thing and she gained it all back" or "its not healthy to just drink liquid supplements", please look at it from my point of view.

I CANNOT do this anymore allowing myself "choices".  Maybe if I only had 20 lbs to lose, but I have 150 lbs to lose. Watching myself start out "good" in the morning only to mess up at lunchtime and say the "hell with it" by dinner time and have it carry on into the middle of the night eating has just had me going in circles. Down two pounds, up four pounds. Down 10 lbs, up 20 lbs.  I've decided that at least for now, I have to have a program that completely takes away my choices and having to think about what I eat. I will drink my supplements, take my vitamins, drink my water, and do my exercises.   This program is 800 calories a day and also offers a "pre-maintenance" program which will gradually get me back to regular food when I get closer to my goal weight. Then it goes into the maintenance phase which will help me stay at my goal weight and help me with food issues.  

I think the main reason a lot of people fail at these type of programs is that people get this false sense of security once they've lost their weight, that they can "do it on their own" the rest of the way.  I'm sure a lot of it is monitary reasons...they don't want to "pay" to stay on maintenance. At least I won't have to worry about this since it is covered under my medical insurance. 

The only drawback is that I can't start the dietary supplements until the beginning of May. The weekly group support meetings have the "new" member orientations the first week of the month, and I've missed it for April since I still have to go through my initial labwork and EKG.  I feel a little anxiety over this, because I've made up my mind that I'm going to give this 110%...and now I have to WAIT!!!!! I've decided in the meantime I'm going to at least start getting my water intake and exercise levels up.

One final note, again...I appreciate everyone's concern and will take any advice or concern to heart. Again...there is no one diet program that will work for everyone. There is so much conflicting studies and research out there, that anyone can manipulate the findings to favorably show for their program. I envy those of you out there that can make healthy choices and maintain their weight loss. For me, I  can't even make the right choices long enough to SEE a weight loss, much less maintain one.

April 5th: Surprisingly enough, most of the responses I've gotten about my weight loss program have been positive. The negative ones I've gotten were from the same people I expected to get them from. Most people feel that you should find the program that works for YOU...not the one that everyone thinks works for THEM. I've tried other people's programs and they havent worked for I'm going to try something different. It may not work either, but unless I explore all of the options available to me, then I'll never know for sure that this might be the one that works for me.

April 7th: Today I had my physical in order to get started on the medical supplement program I'll be starting in the next few weeks. As I was talking to the dietician she made an interesting comment that I thought I'd share. She likes to use the term "Weight Release" rather than weight to imply that when you lose something you want to try to "find" it again. Releasing weight, on the other hand, implies setting those pounds free...and to not let them come back.  Also another interesting tidbit she told me was that the human stomach has a normal capacity of only 4 amazes me how much over that amount can actually be stuffed into one's stomach!!! And the final interesting thing I learned today is that my insurance will allow me unlimited weekly visits to the group counseling sessions. FREE!! No cost to me.  I plan on becoming a very familiar face there and learning all I can from the weekly support groups...which of course I will pass along to you all. ;)

April 14th: Ugghhh...Easter candy everywhere!! I've been eating WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much of it! I got my paperwork from the diet clinic yesterday...I start the program on May 6th and will have weekly group meetings every Wednesday for an hour and 1/2. I'm really looking forward to starting. I know I should be watching what I'm eating between now and then, but its hard. Part of me keeps thinking I should eat all the stuff that I won't be able to after I start the liquid diet, but that's not a very good mind-set to have either. My goal for the remainder of April is to try to get my water intake up to a minimum of 2 quarts a day. Right now I'm lucky to drink 8 oz of water.

April 17th: Well, I've officially completed my first year with Gails Weight Loss Group...and I'm only up 70 lbs in the last year. *smirk* I can't blame my failures on the group at all...there has been a lot of support here, I was just unable to use that support to my benefit, I guess. Or like someone from the group who shall remain nameless had the gall to email me..."I'm just not trying hard enough." All I can say about that is Pot..Kettle..Black. If someone wants to pass judgement on me, that's their choice, but I find it especially funny to hear that kind of critisism coming from someone who is also STILL trying to lose weight. Its bad enough for the thin people of the world to have that kind of attitude, "Fat people just don't TRY hard enough."...but sheeeze to hear that come from another overweight person is really disheartening. Sheer willpower alone does not promote weight loss...and TRYING hard enough, makes it sound like anyone can lose weight and keep it off. Bah. Sorry to be so pissy, but it really irritated me to think about someone passing judgement about my predicament. Like I *wanted* to gain 150 lbs in 18 months...guess I just didn't TRY hard enough to keep it off. Guess I didnt TRY hard enough to not let those medications affect my metabolism. Guess I didnt TRY hard enough to not have to have two knee surgeries...blah blah blah

April 19th: After reading over my journal so far this month, I realize I've been a bit negative attitude. It's just really frustrating to have someone TELL me that I haven't tried hard enough to lose weight. My god...this person just has no clue. But...I've decided that I'm not going to worry about what she or anyone else thinks about my weight loss efforts. Reality is, I don't have to answer to anyone but myself as far as my weight loss goes. And I still have my group of weight loss buddies with whom I know will back me up with whatever weight loss method I choose. It upsets me to hear some of the narrow minded comments that some people have that there is only ONE correct way to lose weight and keep it off. Obviously if that were the case everyone could follow the same program and no one would have a weight problem. So onward and downward I go. I have about 2 1/2 weeks to prepare for starting my liquid diet. I've decided to start getting used to things by having a breakfast/lunch shake from the local smoothie store...They have a great smoothie called "The Zone" which has 500 calories and follows the 40-30-30 formula for carbs, protein, and fats. Its very filling and I think I will have no problem having one in the morning, a snack in the afternoon, and (hopefully) a sensible dinner. (I sound like a Slimfast commercial there!) I think its funny these weight loss commercials that make it look soooooo easy..."Just a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a sensible dinner." Like, DUH, if we could control ourselves with a sensible dinner each night we wouldn't be having to buy your over-priced shakes. (If you haven't figured it out yet, I tend to be a very cynical and sarchastic person at times. Most of the time its in a humorous sort of way, but I have to be careful cuz sometime's I'm taken way too seriously.) Anyways...goal for Monday is to sit down and come up with a tracking sheet for my water and exercise. Step 2 is to start tracking my water and my exercise...UGH. I hate the "E" word. Its really sad too, because when I lost weight a few years ago, I LOVED to exercise. If I didnt do an hour a day, I felt like something was missing, like I forgot to brush my teeth or something. I think the reason I've come to hate exercise so much is because its so darn painful. My knee hurts when I'm just sitting or lying down; it feels like pure HELL when I'm on my feet for short periods of time. Again, I think getting some of this weight off will help. Putting an extra 140 lbs on someone's body in 18 months is bound to cause some discomfort...I'm sure once it starts coming off my knee will be so grateful that it will be more than willing to stop hurting! ;)

April 28th: Goal for next month: to journal at least every other day, preferably daily. I've really been lax in this area...shhheeeeeze who am I fooling...I've been lax in ALL areas of dieting lately! ;) I know I should be doing something *now* but there is this other part of me that is rebeling with the mindset that after next week I won't be eating food and I have to exercise every day (or at least lie on the forms that I turn in to my doctor ) and drink at least 2 quarts of water. However, since its one week countdown to the *big* day, I know I need to start preparing myself so my body doesn't go into complete shock. Soooooooo...for the rest of the week, no more sodas, only water or crystal light to drink. Maybe not a big change, but a change none the less.

April 30th: *Sigh* I can't even seem to make small changes to my lifestyle...I have been drinking cokes and HI-C for the past two days. I have cut back a little, but I had wanted to cut sodas completely out. I think I will buy a 6 pack of diet Dr Pepper to have on hand so that if I feel I *must* have a soda at least I won't have the sugar and calories that go with it. Countdown is 6 days until I start HMR (the medical liquid supplement). I was horrified this morning to find out that the scale I have doesn't go above 270...and I was above that point. I'm going to buy a new scale this weekend so that I can have accurate weights. Most people think its bad to weigh every day...but its something I feel I have to do. When I was doing CAD, the book mentioned to weigh daily and average the weights each week; I think its important to see the weight loss patterns so that you can see the trends. I think if you only weight once a week or even once a month you could just happen to pick the one day that you are retaining water and then you wont show a loss...where if you weigh every day and average the weight for the week if you are up one day it will even out for the other days that you are down. *Shrug* maybe it doesn't work for others, but I think it works well for me.

Julie aka "Jabbers"

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