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August 1998 Journal

Aug 1st (249): Pat and I stayed up almost all night talking. I can say this much for the situation...he is really sorry for what he did, and he regrets doing it. It's ironic, because he didn't have to tell me...I probably never would have found out. The most awful thing is that it was someone who I thought was my friend who did it. I'm so angry because I keep thinking that all it took was a phone call from this woman for him to cheat on me. She called him up one day at work and said "Can I convince you to come over to my house tonight and sleep with me?" I keep torturing myself imagining what happened, what they did together. Its hard for me to let Pat put his arm around me or even kiss me because all I can think of is that he kissed her with those lips, or he touched her with his hand. I know I have to stop thinking like that or I will drive myself insane. Pat has offered to go to marriage counseling and do whatever it takes to make this work. I found it slightly amusing since we aren't even married that he'd be willing to go to marriage counseling. I know in my heart that he loves me. I know that he wants to work out our relationship because a month ago when things were so bad between us, it was actually decided that I would move back to Texas. I look back now and see that he had been sleeping with a woman that admitted to him that she loved him. WHY in the world did he decide to stay with me to work things out?????? This woman is thin and beautiful and she shares a lot in common as they are both recovered alcoholics and have mutual friends in the #aa channel on irc. Why would he want to stay with a 249 lb woman that has made him miserable for the last year and a half. These are the questions I keep throwing around in my mind. Obviously he must want this to work out with us, or he could have sent me on my merry way to Texas and he could have been with her. But it still doesn't make it hurt any less that this happened in the first place.

Aug 5th (248): Just wanted to update to let everyone know I'm still here and doing ok. Just haven't seemed as motivated as I thought I'd be at the beginning of the month. Guess I'm still letting all this relationship crap get to me. Things are going much better at home, it is just really hard to not think about what happened.

Aug 6th (248): Ok, time to sit down and actually get this journal updated. I've had trouble getting out and doing my "20 minutes a day walk" like I posted on the list that I was going to do. Most of the time its just too darn hot, but I know that shouldn't be an excuse. As far as food goes, I've been having real strange eating patterns. All day long I just don't feel hungry at all (again, maybe the heat). Then I usually eat one good meal in the evening time. I haven't been logging my food into Dietwatch in almost 2 weeks. I know this is a big no-no. I have to be aware of exactly what I'm putting into my mouth. I'm just not accurate enough to try to guestimate how many calories I've eaten. To update everyone on the personal relationship lately: Things are going really well between Pat and me. I can really see how hard he's trying to make up for what he did. He's been putting forth a great effort to sit and talk with me about his past and about his feelings. If you had any idea of how little Pat ever talks about feelings and emotions, you'd understand that this is a HUGE step for him. There are times I can't help but start thinking about what he did, and I sometimes have to force myself not to say nasty sarcastic comments about his affair. I know in the long run, all it will do is put him on the defensive and make him shut back down. I think I'm doing a fairly good job at keeping my anger to a minimum. Most of my real anger is directed towards Nancy, the woman who initiated the affair with Pat. I know he was just as guilty for giving in to her advances. But this woman seeked out MY FRIENDSHIP and gained MY TRUST; then she turned around and used all that information to try to manipulate things to go her way. I really believe that she was trying to find out all the bad things that were going on in our relationship so that she could turn around to Pat and use those very same problems that I confided to her. She really believed that Pat would leave me to be with her. I still have a hard time understanding WHY Pat ever decided to stay with me when he had someone like her available to him. Thats just my insecurities talking though. One thing she said to Pat about why she wanted to have an affair was that "It was building up her self-esteem, making her feel better about herself." Ohhh...ok, so it was ok for her to run my self esteem into the ground by sleeping with MY boyfriend just so she could feel good about herself. I don't know what kind of 12 step program this woman is following...but I dont really think thats what Bill W. had in mind when he created those 12 steps. I guess she just creates her own 12 step program and figures as long as the ends justifies the means, so be it. I sent her an email and basically said all of that to her (Although it ended up being about 12k worth of me telling her what a pathetic, twisted piece of crap that I thought she was) I don't expect that she'll respond to that either, seeing as though she refused to admit that she even HAD an affair with Pat. But, it felt a little better to get it off my chest. In some bizzare way, this affair has managed to bring Pat and I closer, this was the final straw that made Pat realize that he needs to get some help in dealing with his past and his inability to talk about his feelings. I'll never give that woman the "thanks" or the credit for bringing Pat and I closer together, because what she has done has completely shredded any trust that I have for both my boyfriend and my friends in general. The idea that your best friend could go after your boyfriend or husband just depresses me so much. With all the oppression and abuse that women in general have had to go through, you'd think that women would unite and stick together....not backstab each other to get the other man.

Aug 9th (247.5): Ugh. Been having a hard time keeping up with my journal lately. Need to start getting a schedule going soon or I'll be completely frazzled by the first week of school. Think I will work on that tomorrow. Make a weekly schedule for housework, homework, journaling/internet stuff, etc. Maybe I'll even try to schedule in some exercise time. *g* Been having trouble doing the exercise thing, although I have been more active lately as far as housework and going places. Pat and I have even been managing to get in "bedtime exercises" the last week or so. I'd have to say its been more times this last week than in the last 6 months. He actually commented that he can tell I'm losing weight....I didn't even have to say, "Hey Pat, look my boobs don't hang over my bra anymore." He actually saw for himself this time. ;)

Aug 11th (248): Happy Birthday Alexis!!!!! Today my daughter turns 7. I miss her so much; can't wait for her to get back home to CA. She's enjoying her time in Texas though, and I'm glad she's having a chance to spend with gramma and pap-pap and the rest of the family. I requested that people email Happy Birthday wishes to Alexis at my mom's email address, so hopefully she'll have lots of email today. She was feeling a bit homesick last night and had a headache. I hope this cheers her up. Been kinda blah on my diet the last few days. If I don't get in gear I won't drop 10 lbs this much, and 15 lbs will definately be out of the question. =(

Aug 12th (247): Yay. Finally a downward movement on the scale. Was beginning to think my body had forgotten how to do that! Not much to update today...will try to get in my 20 minutes of exercise today.

Aug 17th (252: UGHHHH! I don't know quite what happened, but somewhere along the lines I picked up 5 lbs since last Wednesday. I haven't been eating too much over my allotted calories, but have been eating a lot more salty foods and not drinking much water. Guess its all managing to catch up to me. I have to get back on track or I'm just going to be completely let down at the end of the month when I won't have a loss to show. I need to exercise, but haven't even managed to do my 20 minute per day goal I set at the beginning of the month. :( I don't know why its so hard to stay motivated, I should be more motivated than ever to lose the weight since things are going so much better with Pat. For some reason, it seems harder to stay on plan when things are going well. Maybe its because I start to get into that secure rut where I don't feel so pressured to lose the weight. I know that's a BAD way to get, because if I'm not careful, those 35+ lbs will just creep on again. Can't let that happen.

Aug 19th (249): Well, at least a few of the +5 lbs have managed to drop off. I don't know why its so hard to get motivated. I had such high expectations of what I was going to accomplish for the month of August when Alexis was at gramma's house for a month. It doesn't seem like I've done anything I had planned to get done. I guess maybe finding out about the affair and all may be playing a part in this all...but things are going pretty well with Pat and me...why is it so hard to stay focused????

Aug 22nd (248): I've really gotten behind in updating my journal. I've been so busy this week getting ready for Alexis to come back home tomorrow, and then starting back to college full time on Monday. There arent enough hours in the day it seems to get it all done. Actually, I just don't use my time efficiently enough, because I should have gotten more accomplished than I actually did. Oh well. I'm going to go back on HMR fasting for the next week during school to see if I can drop a few pounds quickly so this month isn't a complete waste. Right now I'm exactly where I started at...haven't accomplished anything in the weight loss department. Marcia, are ya still hanging in for our challenge? ;)

Aug 23rd (?): I forgot to weigh myself this morning. Guess I'll have to wait for tomorrow to see if I did any damage this weekend. Alexis is back home really good to have her back home. I missed her so much, this was the longest she's been gone. Tomorrow is my first day of fall semester, I'm not sure I'm ready for it, but guess I'm just out of luck, cuz its here whether I'm ready or NOT!

Aug 26th (249): Argh. I'm at the same place I was the first of this month. I can't believe I've allowed myself to just sit here all month doing nothing. +/- 5 lbs all month. Back and forth. What a waste. I'm going to give CAD a try for the next week and see if it helps any. If the scale doesn't move within the next day or so, I may switch over to Atkins just to see if the change will cause a budge in the scale. I started school this week. Its been a pretty easy week as most of the classes just hand out the syllabus, tell you whats expected of the class, and then you leave. I'm going to try to get all of my reading for next weeks classes out of the way, and do the study questions in each book so that I stay ahead. 6 classes this semester means its going to be easy to get behind if I'm not careful.

Update: I just finished sending a long email to the diet list about my frustration of this past month. I really think part of my lack of motivation is because things have been improving between Pat and me over the few weeks. It seems as though when our relationship is "shaky" then I tend to be motivated to lose the weight, thinking somehow that will improve things between us. But when things start to improve, I seem to backslide back into the unmotivated mode again where I don't obsess about sticking to my diet. We also seem to go out to eat more often now, and things are so much better between us, then tension just isn't there like it used to be. Food just seems to be a part of our "happy" occasions...if this makes any sense. My mind is pretty muddled up right now trying to sort out all these emotions, feelings, and thoughts as to why things have changed over the last few weeks. I think I will sit down with Pat and talk to him about this very thing and see if he sees a trend with this too. Maybe if he understands that I need his support to continue losing weight, then maybe I can get back on track. I think he hasn't said anything to me about my lack of committment lately, because he's afraid it may upset me and damage the work we've managed to accomplish the last few weeks.

Aug 31st (?): I can't even bring myself to weigh in today... I don't even want to know how I ended up this month. I have a feeling I will be up a few pounds. =(

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