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Celebrating my Independence from Obesity!

July 1st (260.5): Well, I didn't lose that last half pound in June like I was hoping for, but I'm not going to harp on it because I've still lost 10 lbs during 3 weeks in May, and 14.5 pounds during June. Its the most I've been able to lose in two years, ever since My weight started ballooning up 140 lbs ago. =P

July 2nd (260.5): I've working on updating my journal pages; I think its time for a fresh new page. I'm thinking about removing the 1997 journals and just having a one page summary of what happened last year so people can understand my situation. I think it would be much easier to read through a brief summary than to have to read through 12 different monthly pages. Plus it will clean up my page a little bit and give me more space to work on a "regular" non-diet related page. I would like to have a web page that I can still show my friends and stuff, but without all the personal struggles I have with weight loss. I'll be able to put a link to it from my diet page so people from the group can read it, but won't link my main web page to the diet journal web page.

July 4th (259): Happy Independence Day!! Friday night I had an attack of the Pringles can...my boyfriend has been told he is no longer allowed to leave Pringles on his nightstand. Luckily he only had about half a container there...had it been full, it would have been completely gone as well. Then, around midnight Pat went to our favorite 24 hour mexican resteraunt and bought me a carni quisada and guacamole burrito. Not exactly "low fat". I didn't beat myself up over it, as it was the first "big" binge I've had in over two months. I used to have daily binges, sometimes multi-binges in one day. I was very conscientious of what I put into my body yesterday and had a loss to show for it today! Bad thing about binges though, is sometimes they wait a week or so before showing up on the scale. My goal for next week is to walk 10 minutes a day (at least) and then to increase it every week by 5 minutes. I've always been the type of person to do "all or nothing". Either I exercise for 45-60 minutes on the treadmill, or nothing at all. Either I have a really good eating day, or a really bad binge. I'm trying to get out of that frame of mind and I'm thinking a good way to do this will be to make myself do just a little bit every day. Slowly increase it so that eventually I'll be back up to 45-60 minutes everyday, and it will seem routine. Exercise for me in the past 18 months is never routine anymore. Baby steps...thats how I need to do it, one step at a time.

July 5th (259): Tonight was the start of events that are going to completely change my life as I now know it. My relationship with Pat has had problems for the last year and a half...I know I have brought a lot of this to myself. Ever since I had my knee injury almost 2 years ago and started gaining all my weight back, I've been enveloped in a deep dark depression that was really hard to pull myself out. Over that last month, I've made great strides in changing my life around to get back everything I had lost over the past two years; unfortunately it was too late. The damage between my relationship with Pat is just too much that things will never be the same. In my heart, I know that even if I lose all the weight, it still won't be enough. Pat just isn't capable of giving me the emotional support I need. He's the greatest provider I could wish for, but I need more than just someone to pay my bills. Pat just isn't capable of sharing his feelings like I need him to share. I'm so scared of being alone again, I feel like such a failure. I know eventually everything will work out for the best; I just wish things could have worked out. I love Pat so much, but sometimes love just isn't enough.

July 6th (258): Another pound gone, but I can't say I can really even find happiness with it. This whole situation with Pat has me surrounded by such a deep dark depression. I feel like I can't even see a light at the end of the tunnel; I feel like I've lost everything I've ever wanted in my life. You'd think by now this would get easier, but its not...every failed relationship hurts even more than the one before.

July 7th (257): A total of 3.5 lbs lost this first week of July. I'm feeling really good about that part of my life at least. There's another update to the saga of my personal relationship...I'm almost afraid to even say it for fear of jynxing it. Pat and I were talking some more last night and we discussed the possibility of us signing another 6 month lease (our lease is up at the end of the month) and trying to work this out over the next 6 months. There are some valid reasons that this might work out better. 1) there are only 2 1/2 weeks left for me to completely pack up and move all of my stuff 1450 miles away. 2) This is the busiest time of year for moving, therefore, much more expensive. It will cost about $2000 for me to move my car and stuff and fly back home. 3) Pat hasn't given this enough time to even notice any of the positive effects that have happened in the last two months. By giving it some more time he can perhaps appreciate how hard I've been working. and 4) We've managed to stay together through out the absolute worse time of my life, it seems like a complete waste to throw it away now that things are getting better. The decision is now in Pat's hands...if he can't see all the benefits to staying together to work on this relationship..then *he* is the one with the problem. I can't change his decision if he doesn't want to continue. Its still going to hurt, but I'll have to go on. (Maybe if I keep telling myself this, I'll eventually believe it).

July 9th (255): Tripod was down yesterday, so I was unable to update my journal...things have been progressing a bit as far as my relationship with Pat. We haven't made a final decision yet, but it looks pretty hopeful that I'll be staying for another 6 months to see how things go. Today is the day we are going to make the final decision...I say "we", but actually the final decision belongs to Pat. I'm not sure how to explain this, but there is a part of me that thinks eventually in my life I may not be completely satisfied with staying with Pat the rest of my life. The biggest problem is: I'm not ready to face that right now. My self confidence is V-E-R-Y slowly coming back again, but I still have about 125 lbs of weight to go before my self confidence will be what it once was. I hate to admit that my self confidence is centered around my weight, but that's the truth. I want the opportunity that I have right now to keep up my weight loss, go back to school, and continue mending myself after the last year and a half of depression. I think I can much better accomplish this here where I am now, than if I up and move to a new state where I have no one but my parents.

July 10th (255): This is actually an update on what I wrote in yesterdays entry. Yesterday afternoon Pat decided that he'd like me to stay for another 6 months to see how things continue to progress. We talked a lot about why he had been willing to throw our relationship away a few days ago after things had gone so well the last two months. He said that things had been so bad the first 16 months when I first moved here that he was afraid this "change" in me was just a temporary thing and he was afraid I'd slip back into my depression again. I asked him another question, "How do I know you won't take that first drink of alcohol or first snort of cocaine again after being clean for 9 years? No matter how long he's been sober, he's still just one step away from becoming the drug user/alcoholic he was 9 years ago. I told him that the only way I could live with that question every day is that I *trust* and *believe* when he says he will not take that first drink again. He has to trust and believe me when I say that I really want to change my life for the better; he has to trust me when I say that I do not want to go back to the depressed state I've been in for the last year and a half. I think he is finally starting to understand exactly what I've gone through with this past depression. The other thing that I've been thinking about the last few days is this...I've been really upset lately that Pat isn't able to share his emotions with me. He has a hard time encouraging me or noticing the changes I'm trying to make. I've been blaming HIM for not reassuring me...but the actual truth is...I shouldn't need HIS or anyone elses approval or encouragement. As long as *I* know I'm trying my hardest and I'm making progress, I don't need the approval of others for me to continue on my journey. This is a hard concept for me to grasp, because I've always been a "people pleaser". I live for hearing "Good Job! You are doing great!". I think as my self confidence continues to return, this aspect will get easier for me. I also think as long as I continue to work on my life, Pat will be able to trust in me that I'm not going to go off on an angry streak or depressed streak, and then he'll be able to open up more; like he was in the beginning of our relationship. In any event...thats HIS problem, not mine. I have to work on me, and let him worry about his defects in character. If at some point in my life I decide that I cannot live with some of his characteristics anymore, then it will be up to me to decide to get out of the situation. Anyways....sorry for going on so long, hopefully this subject won't have to play so heavily in my life for a while. I just want to get back on track and continue working on ME.

July 12th (255): The scale seems close to wanting to fall to 254, but won't sweat it too bad since both Friday and Saturday night I had not-so-good choices for dinner. Still stayed below 1500 calories for the day, but thats the very upper limit I like to go as I don't see a weight loss at 1500, that is my maintenance allowance. Update on the Pat/Jabbers situation...amazingly things are going GREAT! *Blush* Friday night was the first time in months that he even initiated any "physical-you-know-what" and it seems like he's really putting an effort into saying encouraging words to me and showing more affection. We got two brand new 8 week old kitties yesterday...The 3 big cats aren't exactly thrilled about them, but hopefully they'll all adjust ok. Not much more to tell today, so will update later tonite or tomorrow again.

July 13th (254): Yay! Broke the -30 lb mark finally and am now at -31 lbs. Starting to see tell-tell signs of where it is disappearing from; yesterday we went to the movies and it wasn't *uncomfortable* in the chair like it normally is. Still a bit more snug than I'd like, but a noticeable improvement. Also noticing my bra is looser, maybe not in inches, but maybe almost a cup size or so. One more week to go until Alexis leaves for Texas for a month; am really looking forward to having more time by myself to work on personal things. First goal is to get the house completely cleaned top to bottom with old unused stuff tossed out. Second goal is to get in some more exercise.

July 14th (254): Tomorrow is weekly progress update on my web page, I should have a -2 or -3 loss for the past week. Am pretty pleased with that considering that Fri, Sat, and Sun I ate a lot more than normal, but still stayed within "normal" eating parameters. I have 6 more weeks to go until our friends' wedding in Vegas, if I can maintain this same speed of weight loss, I should be I'll be around 235 which will be exactly -50 lbs. I know it may not be reasonable to expect to keep losing that steadily, but will still have about 100 extra lbs of fat on me at that time, so maybe its not that unrealistic to achieve. Took my last weekly unit test for my college class...have a 98.7% average going into the final exam next week. I'm really proud of that accomplishment; especially since the last two weeks were a bit stressful for me. I really have a good feeling that this certification program will be a real success for me. I walked 25 minutes today during the two breaks during class; even the professor commented how well I was doing!

July 24th (252): ARGGGHHH!! I can't believe what I did. I've been editing my journal each day by just editing the html rather than doing it by text. Today I accidently clicked on "edit the text" instead of html and now all my entries from the last 10 days are GONE! I haven't bothered to save my web page to my hard drive in the last two weeks either; so bye bye data. Oh well...I'm sucha dork. Lets see if I can recall what I've been doing the last week or so to fill in the missing data. I got Alexis off to Gramma's house in Texas just fine. She's having a blast because they have a swimming pool in the backyard. They go swimming 4-5 times a day. I finished my class yesterday; got a 98% on the final exam and a 98.1% average for my final grade. I've decided to try to take all the classes I need to finish my major in the next semester...18 1/2 credits worth. Should prove for a VERY busy semester, but I think it will be good to give me stuff to do to keep me from eating. I've been basically maintaining the same weight for the last week +/- a lb. I'm hoping to get back in gear for the next week and try to get these last three pounds off to hit the 249 mark. That will be a total of -36 lbs in three months, and will put me back to what I weighed before the holidays last year. Have really gotten lax about the amount of water I've been drinking and I can see it really makes a difference.

July 26th (252): Not a fantastic eating day Friday or Saturday; even though I haven't gone over 1500 calories in the past three months, I know I don't always make the best food choices. I could be eating so much more better, healthy foods instead of just a few high fat/calorie foods. I bought some pita bread which only has 140 cal, no fat and 5 grams of fiber. This morning I made some chicken salad with low fat mayo and lots of chopped up pickle and onion. I put it in a half of a pita. It was Sooooooooo good! Only 170 calories, 20g carbs, 18g protein, 2g fat, and 3g fiber. I'm going to the movies this afternoon, I'm going to try to abstain from the popcorn all together. I have a feeling I will feel really deprived if I do this, so I may compromise and have a small popcorn with no butter instead. This week I'm really going to focus on losing at least 2 lbs. I'd like to get to 249 by Aug 1st just to say I broke the 250 barrier. In order to do this I *have* to keep my calories below 1000 and get back closer to the 850 calorie level that I had been following for the last few months. I have a lot of things planned for this week to keep my busy working around the house while Alexis is gone. Hopefully this will count as some type of exercise and help boost this stubborn metabolism!

July 28th (252): I can't believe what happened today on the mailing list. I'm about to majorly vent, so anyone not wanting to hear me rant and rave might as well not read this paragraph. There has been talk about a clothing exchange for the mailing list for people to get rid of clothes as they lose weight. In theory it sounds like a good idea, but I just don't think it would work sending clothes to one person to have them store it and then ship out to someone else. (What about our international members or the fact that if the person in charge of the project suddenly unsubscribed from the list, all the clothes being "stored" would be gone) I sent an email suggesting alternatives (ie donating to charity) in case the clothing exchange program never pans out. Someone (I won't name names here) sent an email volunteering to do that and then listed her name, address, and phone number on the email where to send stuff. I personally think this is a BiG mistake to do because you never know what kinda sicko could be on the list (there are over 200 people now and not everybody posts...you have no clue who the other people are lurkin' out there.) So now anyone and everyone has access to your personal information. I sent a private email back to that person explaining this. A few minutes later an email goes out to the LIST saying "But there is always negative people on trying new things But anyways do as jabbers says.." OK GREAT...NOW I'M A NEGATIVE PERSON. So I sent another private email saying that I didn't want to subject this to the mailing list but would respond to her privately. I said that I didnt appreciate being labeled a "negative person that didn't want to do new things" as she said in her email to the mailing list. I explained how over the last 18 months I've helped out about 20-30 people on the list by making them web pages; I initially came up with the buddy system which resulted in the team competition starting; and finally how I'd volunteered to set up the ICQ web page for the group. Figured since she was new to the list maybe she didn't know how much time and effort I put into being active on this list. I then told her that I never said the clothing exchange idea COULDN'T be done, nor did I say it SHOULDN'T be done. I was merely making alternative suggestions with what people could do with their extra clothes. She later sends me TWO emails. First one says "never said u was negative now did I....I said there is always negative people....Never said you personally..." and the 2nd email said "So according to ur e-mail "if Jabbers suggest it then you do it otherwise it don't get done"....WHERE THE HELL DID SHE COME UP WITH THAT???? 1st of all, she specifically said my name in the initial email sent to the list when she said "...negative people, and jabbers said no..(blah blah blah)" and secondly I never insinuated ANYTHING in the email I sent to her about me having to do things or they didn't get done! By this time, I am royally PISSED OFF! Where in the hell does she get off coming up with these childish one line retorts that are blatant LIES? So I then fired off another PRIVATE email to her that shot down every one of her childish retorts and suggested that she needed psychiatric help since obviously she was delusional coming up with that crap out of the blue. That was the email that all of you read when she forwarded it to the list with the following message from her.. "Hi all, I'm so depressed and stressed I only was suggesting something and meaning no harm at all..I'm sorry for ever suggesting it..Some woman named jabber has hurt me something awlful and I didn't even mean no harm..." I am so FURIOUS that she had the nerve to post just that part of the entire email conversation conveniently leaving out all of her psycho emails she sent to me FIRST. She attacked me not once, but TWICE by name today in a public email to the list. I sent all of my replies to just HER as to not start any trouble on the list. I'm the one that gets trashed and made to look bad. W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R! Oh, and don't let me forget that she stated that she was sure I was going to have her kicked off the list because of this...HELLO!!!! DUH! She is the one sending this junk to the mailing list and getting Gail and the whole list involved, not me. I kept my responses private. I guess I should feel flattered that she thinks I have that kind of power with Gail to get her kicked off. I'm sorry if anyone thinks I'm being petty for bitching about this...but I am NOT going to sink to her level and post her emails to the list to show everyone what provoked me to send that email to her. This is the only place I am going to tell my side of the story. I've been on this mailing list for 18 months and it upsets me to no end that she can make me look bad to the list because I sent her a nasty email. (I still have all FIVE nasty ones from her) I know that anyone who knows me will know I'd never send something like that unprovoked. HELL, I'm the one that always stands up for every single person on the list that gets flamed by someone on the list. That email had no reason what-so-EVER being fwd'd to the list. Tacky, Tacky, Tacky. (However, I am saving all emails she sent me in a safe place in case she goes psychotic and hunts me down and my body isn't found) *grin*

July 28th update: Well, I've calmed down quite a bit after getting away from the computer for a few hours. I'm still a bit peeved that the whole incident happened, but I know holding in all this anger is just going to drive myself right to the refrigerator. I'm not going to sacrifice my program because I'm mad at what someone else did to me. I have no control over what someone else does. Getting mad about it and holding it all in until I end up having a binge festival is only got make me even madder and more upset. Sooooooooooo...am going to do my best to put the whole situation past me. Have decided to lurk a while on the list and not bother with any public postings until I'm sure I can keep my feelings in check. I let this whole situation get me WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too upset. Especially since it was over an issue that I honestly did not give a DAMN about. Pat keeps telling me that I need to quit caring so much about what others think of my opinion and what-not. His response when I cried to him about being trashed on the list was, "Oh well, f&@! them if they want to believe that. Anyone who REALLY knows you will know the truth." He's right, of course. Sometimes I envy how easy it is for Pat to not let his emotions get out of control. But then again...he holds everything inside and doesn't let anything out thats bothering him, and he's drinking bottle after bottle after bottle of antacid every week for his ulcers too.

July 29 (251): Hmmmmm...maybe all that anger from yesterday boosted my metabolism. I finally dropped a pound after holding the same weight for the last week. Don't think I'll try getting myself worked up like that again to test that weight loss theory though. Ended up having a real bad sleep night last night...very graphical, scary dreams all night long. Almost straight out of a Scream2 movie. Oh...update on the dream sequence thing. I think I found the culprit of that. I was just telling Pat about the scary dreams I had (believe me, they were WAAAAAAY scary) and he informed me that Friday the 13th was on cable last night and he was watching it after I fell asleep in bed. I must have been subliminally taking in the movie while sleeping. Yeeesh. I wonder if I go to sleep watching aerobic videos that I'd dream of doing exercise all night! ;)

July 30 (251): Think I actually saw 250.5 on the scale, but will wait until a solid 250 before I count it. Been doing fairly well the past few days, have neglected to list everything in Dietwatch for the past few days, so must work on doing that every day. Its so much easier when I have a list of foods and numbers staring me in the face to keep me on track. I'm going to work on getting my kitchen completely cleaned up today...cleaning out cabinets, getting rid of old stuff I don't use anymore, and stripping the floor. I'm also going to try to get in at least a 15 minute walk today because I haven't done that in over a week since my class ended last week. Will be so glad when this month is over so I can start a new web page and start a new month. Always seem to be more motivated during the beginning of the month than the end.

July 31 (250): I did it!!!! I actually hit 250 on the last day of the month!!! This makes a total of -35 lbs since May 7th. I feel really motivated to start August now. I am going to Vegas over Labor Day weekend, so I'm going to make my goal for September 1st to drop another 15 lbs. In order to do this, I will HAVE to exercise. Bottom line. I can drop 10 lbs a month with diet alone, but to boost it to 15 lbs, will have to get my fat butt moving.

Update: I've just found out tonight that Pat had an affair a few months ago. I'd think that could be the worst possible news i could hear...but no, there is more. The person he had an affair with is a mutual friend of ours. This woman has been a complete godsend to me over the last few months because she was there to listen to every single complaint I had about my relationship with Pat. She listened to me pour my heart out and offered her complete support. She just forgot to mention that she had been sleeping with my boyfriend 3-4 different occasions. I look back now and think about the past few conversations i had with her...as soon as I told her that Pat and I had decided to give our relationship one more try...she suddenly received a page and had to go. Yesterday, when I caught up with her again...she asked how things were going and I told her "fantastic" and giggled about how much Pat and I were enjoying our "grown-up" time together since Alexis was out of town. She suddenly had to get going then too....sheeeeze looking back no wonder she had to go so quickly...she was heartbroken to find out the man she confessed her undying love to had decided to stay with his girlfriend. I confronted her tonight...SHE DENIED THE WHOLE THING. She said Pat was lying about it and it never happened. Yes, I'm supposed to believe that Pat would make up the whole affair and give the name of my good friend as the person he was having the affair. I'd think if he wanted to make up an affair, he would have made up a name as well....not give me the name of my closest friend. Am too shocked to write any more...if I cry one more tear, I think I actually will have a nervous breakdown.

Jabbers

jabbers@net999.com

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