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June 1998 Journal

June 1st: (275) Well, all intentions to start out this brand new month fresh went real well until I got home from my dance lessons last night and my boyfriend hadn't bothered to even make or get anything to eat for him or my daughter. (It was 8pm already and Alexis usually goes to bed at 8:30). Well, of course I had nothing prepared to whip up for them, so I ordered Pizza...*sob* and I ate lots of it!!

June 3rd: (275) As of today I seem to be back on track. I have a new motivator to help me keep on this program...Over Labor Day weekend we have close friends who are getting married in Vegas. Thats 3 months from now and I know if I stick this out for the entire time that I can drop between 50-60 lbs. For those of you reading that think that might be high, please remember that I have 140 lbs to lose, so it will come off faster in the beginning. The HMR diet supplement is 800 calories a day, and I have to do at least 300 calories worth of exercise each day too in order to keep my metabolism up. So, that's why that mini goal of mine isn't unattainable if I can just keep on the program.

June 4th: (273) Yay, I have finally managed to see a loss. Makes it much easier to stay motivated. Went to my class today; which helps keep my mind off food. Maybe in the fall when I start school full time that will make it even easier.

June 7th: (271) I'm feeling really depressed today. It first started out with a group of friends that I've met online came into town to visit. I know I shouldn't care what anyone thinks of me, but I couldn't bring myself to go. The last time I saw my friends I weighed 135 lbs. I just could not go there weighing TWICE that much a year and a half later. I was hurt that my boyfriend decided to go without me. He had promised that we'd spend time together this weekend; instead I sat home by myself. This is the part thats humiliating for me to admit to...for the last year or so, my sexual relationship with Pat has been almost non-existent. We have made love maybe twice in the last 6 months. I'll admit that I don't feel very sexy being this heavy...but the desire is still there, if you understand what I mean. Pat finally told me today the reason he hasn't wanted to have sex with me is that he doesn't like the way I look anymore. This hurt me so bad. I guess I've always known in the back of my mind that he couldn't be happy with the idea of my gaining 140 lbs since we started going out...but actually hearing it come from his mouth was so painful. I've always been so grateful that Pat has stood by me through out this whole ordeal of gaining weight. Now all the self confidence that I had in our relationship is gone. I feel this panic that maybe I won't be able to lose the weight FAST enough to make him desire me like he used to. I know that he still loves me, but its just not the same knowing that he has no sexual feelings towards me anymore. I can't help but wonder if he'll eventually look elsewhere to fulfill himself if I can't lose the weight fast enough. My heart tells me that he loves me and wouldn't do it, but my head is saying otherwise. I used to justify eating foods that weren't good for me by thinking "It doesn't matter if I stay fat...Pat loves me no matter what size I am". Now I can't honestly say that anymore. Maybe its a good thing, maybe it will give me the incentive and motivation I need to STAY with this weight loss program.

June 8th: (270) I aced my first exam today in my Medical Terminology class. I hope I can keep up with this fast pace, the class is only 8 weeks long, so there is an exam every Tuesday. The first chapter had 77 words, this next chapter has over 100. I think I can do it though, as long as I don't let myself get behind. Diet is coming along pretty good...I need to start exercising though.

June 11th: (270) Diet is still coming a long pretty good...its actually much easier than I thought it would be. Maybe what happened between Pat and I on Sunday was the kick in the butt I needed to work this program. I still have been really lax on drinking water and exercising. Alexis' last day of school is tomorrow, I think having her home might help because we can go to Mile Square Park across the street. A whole square mile to roam around should do *something* towards exercise, I would think!

June 12th: (269) Yay! Another loss. That makes 6 lbs in 12 days which is really good. Its hard to be patient with the numbers going down, I want results NOW. I still can't tell a difference in my appearance; maybe the 16 lbs have disappeared from my butt where I can't see it in the mirror. HAH! As if I could be that lucky. 16 lbs erased from my butt would make my day! I *know* I have to start exercising. I don't want to...grrrrrrr...I hate my lack of enthusiusm. Two years ago when I went from 220 to 136 lbs, I became a fitness fanatic. I had to go to the gym every day or I felt awful. I just can't seem to get back into that mode. I'm an "all or nothing" type person, I either over do it to the extreme or I don't do it at all. Must work on this. Even 10 minutes a day would count for something...in my warped mind I seem to think if I can't walk for an hour a day at 4.0 mph then its not worth doing. Silly Jabbey. Ok, goal for next week...10 minutes a day on the treadmill. As soon as I get up to get it out of the way. I'm going to get my hair cut and colored tomorrow to reward myself for losing 15 lbs. Lately I've had some negative feelings towards the diet list. I get so irritated when people post things about God and how God makes people's bodies a certain way and God feels a certain way about how we treat our bodies by over-eating. I believe in God, but I don't believe it belongs in the topics on the list. If someone wants to join a Christian Weight Loss Support group, thats fine, its expected there that you will talk about God. This list is supposed to be open for ANYONE that needs weight loss support. For example, when Susan had the problem with her ex-boyfriend abusing her there were all these emails talking about praying for her...thats all fine and dandy, but how is that going to help her get out of the dangerous situation she is in?? Sometimes people need logical realistic support, not just spiritual support. Again, I hope no one reading this takes offense, I have been spiritual all my life and my daughter attends a Christian private school. There are just some posts that I have been reading that seem to have a "Holier than Thou" attitude about it and for some reason it just irritates me. Maybe I'm wrong for feeling this way, but I don't think its the place for that. I know for a fact if some Satan Worshiper started to post their beliefs and started quoting satanic scriptures, there would be a BIG commotion and a lot of objections. Why should any non-Christians be forced to read about others Christian beliefs and scriptures? Of course, it could just be that I tend to always go against what the majority thinks...it may not even necessarily be my beliefs, but I have this part of me that has to bring up the other side of every coin. My mom called me "rebellious", maybe its just stubborness.

June 15th: (268) Had a fairly good weekend...ate a little more than my 1000 calorie/day allotment, but stayed below 1300 so I consider it to be successful. Took my daughter on a 2 mile walk through the park yesterday, was really nice. Somehow it doesn't seem to get into my head that that can really count as exercise. I seem to have it stuck in my head that its only exercise if I get on the treadmill and walk. Its a lot easier to just get up and go outside for a mini walk, and the benefits are the same.

June 17th: (266) I aced my 2nd exam yesterday.. 20/20 on the scantron and 14/15 on the written. I may even be able to snag that last point because the question was a bit ambiguous and the professor said she was going to look that question over. I'm carrying a 97.5% average so far this semester and I'm really proud of myself. Dietwise is going pretty good...just can't seem to get going on the exercise. I know thats what I need to do to get the metabolism boosted back up, but my fat butt just wants to lay in bed or sit at the computer all day.

June 20th: (265) :::Drumroll, please::: Tada!!! I did it!! 20 lbs gone! It took 6 weeks to do it, but I was consistent, and that's the most important part. I charted a graph for my weight loss and its going down pretty consistently, no big losses and then stalled, just steadily about 1/2 lb every other day. Part of me wishes I could go back to the 500 calorie phen-fen loss of 45 lbs in 2 months, but I know it won't help me in the long run to do that. This time I want to maintain my loss permanently. It was great two years ago when I lost 84 lbs and wore a size 6 for 6 months...but it doesn't count for anything if it only lasted for a few months and then ballooned back up 65 lbs higher than I ever weighed!! Its so sad...I remember 3 years ago being totally disgusted at my body at 220 lbs...now it seems like 220 lbs is so far away!!!! I remember having a conversation with a coworker after I had gotten almost to my goal weight and I commented about how I couldn't believe anyone would ever let themselves gain the weight back after working so hard. Who would have ever known I would gain 145 lbs in less than two years. Seems physically impossible, but I managed! Oh well...Jabby needs to stop harping on that. Its over and done with, it happened and now I must work on it TODAY. I don't think I took being thin seriously enough...I now know that this is going to be a lifetime project that I'll always have to work at. Becoming skinny wasn't the magic formula that could allow me to eat like other thin people I knew. My body will always have to fight these fat cells, my metabolism will not magically change to let me eat like my 100 lb best friend can eat. She used to take that Weight Gainer powder and STILL lose weight...I remember her crying because she was too thin and had to buy clothes in the kids section...I would kill for that kind of metabolism. I guess everyone wants what the other person has though.

June 22nd: (265) Did pretty well this weekend, and also had a good day today. It's 10pm and I haven't even begun to study for my exam tomorrow. Guess I'd better start doing that right now...will update more tomorrow.

June 24th: (264.5) Must get off my lazy butt and start exercising!! I'm keeping my calories at 1000, but the weight loss isn't coming as fast as it was a few weeks ago. I know its time to kick my metabolism into gear and its not going to happen unless I start moving. I went out and bought this supplement called "Joe Weider Thermogenic Fat Burner" The ingredients are Kola Nut Extract (Caffeine), Chromium Picolinate, L-Carnitine, Cinnamon Powder, Mustard Seed Powder, and Grapefruit Extract. Can't say its done anything to burn my fat yet, but it did burn $9.95 out of my wallet :P When am I going to learn about these darn weight loss supplements? Oh...on a positive note, I actually got a 100% for my 2nd exam and 3rd exam. That makes my average so far a 99% which is the highest in the class! This is the best I've ever done...maybe I should just continue to take only one class at a time until I graduate! Naaaawww then I'd be finishing college at the same time as my 6 year old ;)

June 28th: (263) Oooops, been a while since I updated. Haven't really had much to tell...been doing the same ole thing and the weight is still slowly coming down. I bought some green tomatoes today (haven't even SEEN any for sale since I've moved to California) so I picked up 4 of them and fried one up tonite. My favorite way to eat them used to be fried green tomatoes on white bread with LOTS of mayo. I skipped the bread and just used a tablespoon of fat free mayo, so it was a little better. I'm afraid to check on Dietwatch to find out how much fat and calories they really are.

June 29th: (261) YAY!!! I can't believe I managed to drop 3 lbs over the last two days...I was really getting disappointed because I was stuck at 265 for 4 days and then managed to drop down to 261 over 3 days. I have two days left to possibly reach my goal of 15 lbs this month..but I'm very satisfied if it stays at 14 lbs.



Please send any comments or suggestions!!

jabbers@net999.com


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