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May 1998 Journal

May 1st: Another new month; feels like I'm able to start fresh again. I'm really looking forward to starting my diet program; I really think the weekly group sessions will be a big motivator. Somehow the idea of paying a large amount of money and having to account to a group of people seems to be big motivators to stick with a program. I've always been one to like to please other people, so maybe knowing I'll have a nurse weighing me every week will make me stick with the program.

May 5th: Well, tomorrow is the big day. I go to my first HMR session at 5:30. I will be starting my liquid diet on Thursday. I'm really nervous; I'm afraid of failing at yet another weight loss attempt. I really feel like this is my last hope. I've gained so much weight that I can no longer weigh on my scale at home because it only goes up to 270 lbs. I'm somewhere above that; how much above, I'll find out tomorrow. Whatever the number shows it will be my all time highest weight ever. 136 lbs seems almost like a dream to me; so hard to believe that was my weight two years ago. I have officially "doubled" my weight. Never thought I'd live to see that day. Hopefully tomorrows weight will be the last time I ever see that high number and it will be all "downhill" from here out. Will keep everyone informed of what happens tomorrow.

May 7th: (285) Well, its 7am and I've already drank 32 oz of water and did my first set of 10 minutes on the treadmill. Since I am so out of shape I've decided to do 3 sets of 10 minutes on the treadmill. I didnt think it would be possible to work up a sweat in just 10 minutes, but I'm sweating and panting still 15 minutes after I finished! I haven't made up my first "diet shake" yet...I'm almost afraid to because then it will be "officially" begun. I hardly slept at all last night because I my head was swirling with all the thoughts off this program. I have a good feeling that this time things will be different and I'll finally start to lose weight again. Wish me luck!

May 8th: (279) So far so good...You'll notice there is a 6 lb difference in my weight since yesterdays posting...I think the main reason for this is that I weighed 285 on Wednesday night, and used that weight for yesterdays starting point. This morning was a lot lower which I think accounts for weighing at night for the initial weight. I decided to use the higher number just because it gives me a little more incentive and boost to see the drastic drop. I had a slight fallback last night and ate a little bit of food around 4am...I've decided that is the absolute LAST time this will happen. I felt awful while I was eating it and I certainly didn't enjoy it because I knew I wasn't supposed to eat anything. If I feel I absolutely MUST have something to eat in the middle of the night, I'll have an extra supplement. I'm not going to beat myself up over it, just look forward and go on. Mothers Day is coming up on Sunday, I'm going to try to get Pat to take us to a park instead of the usual going out to eat. Will be nice to get some fresh air, and don't need the temptation of food either!

May 9th: (276) Yay!! Another loss today. I've been having trouble getting all my water and exercise in though...I just hate both of them!! I know drinking water and exercising are both important aspects of weight loss; I just need to make a more conscience effort to do them both.

May 11th: (275) Down another pound, although I think it could have been more had I not completely screwed up on Mother's Day. Pat took me to see Deep Impact and of course I didn't resist the buttered popcorn. Have decided that I'll just have to wait for movies to come out on video while I'm on this program because it is just too tempting to go to the movies. Movies have always been a special treat for me because I'm addicted to movie theater popcorn. Anyone who honestly thinks hot air popped popcorn with no butter tastes as good as movie theater popcorn....needs to have their taste buds examined. There is no substitution for that coconut oil popped corn with tons of fake butter oil and salt poured on!!! Needless to say, thats why movie theaters are out for would be miserable to try to sit thru a movie and not eat the junk, so I must not go there until I'm able to eat real food again. All and all calorie wise I probably stayed under 1500 for the day; but thats still almost twice my daily alloted calories. Other than that, my weekend went pretty well. I'm going to try for 3 quarts of water today and plan to walk to my daughters school to pick her up this afternoon; which will be 2 miles.

May 13th: (274) Tonight I go to my weekly weight loss meeting and first weigh-in. I'm pleased with the weight loss I've had so far, but I haven't been following the program the way I need to be doing, so my goal for the next week is to get the exercise and water in every day and see if that helps stay on the food program. I'll let you know what my total loss for the week is when I get back tonite!

May 20th: I've been keeping away for the last week because I fell off the wagon again this weekend. It was Pat's birthday and of course we ended up doing all sorts of things this weekend that centered around food. I've decided that I cannot use holidays or birthdays as a reason to go off this program. There will be another birthday or holiday next year after I've finished this portion of my program. The longer I put it off or go off and back on the program the longer I'll have to be in this phase of my weight loss program. So...with renewed committment, I'll be starting back up on the HMR tomorrow. I am going to start "scheduling" all the things I need to do. For example, I'll schedule the times I have to have each quart of water drank, what time each exercise session will be, and even what time I need to drink each supplement. Hopefully this will help me get better organized. I'm going back to school this summer (just one course), but plan to start full time in the fall. I need to use the next few months to get back on a schedule and to start following deadlines or I'll never be able to handle school and running a household. Better to get into practice now than to wait until I have 15 credits to juggle also. Will keep posting more often too, as I will be scheduling journal time into my daily schedule as well.

May 25th: Happy Memorial Day! We are going to the Strawberry Festival today, I'm hoping that I can be "good" and not eat anything, but I'm not going to beat myself up if I do...Holidays are really rough for me and its hard to stick with this. At least I'll be outside walking and getting some exercise! ;)

May 28th: Pretty uneventful week, still having trouble getting on track with drinking water and exercising. Havent been journalling every day like I had planned either. Its not because I haven't had time, because I basically stay at home all day doing absolutely nothing but watching tv. Must get motivated...

May 31st: (275) We spent the weekend at Sea World in San Diego; it was great fun with lots of walking, but of course as most amusement park type things...WAAAAAAAAAAAY too much food available. I'm not going to beat myself up over this...tomorrow is Monday and also a brand new month, so what better day to start than that! I'm planning on going back full force on the HMR supplements and drinking at least 2 quarts of water a day. I'm going to start dance classes every Monday for Country Line Dancing....should be fun and a little bit of exercise at least.

Julie aka Jabbers