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Jabbers' August & September 1999 Journal

August 2nd: OOps. Forgot to weigh myself today to get a beginning of the month weight. Can't say it's because I'm not obsessive about the scale, I was just too tired this morning to think about doing it! ;) I didn't have a very good eating weekend. I think it's because I forgot to take my metabolife. During the work week I take it on a set schedule, but weekend comes and completely blows my schedule off track. Hopefully now the week is beginning again, I can get back on track.

August 11th: Happy Birthday Alexis!!!!! Today it is 8 years that I have been a MOMMY! Pat and I both took the day off and we are going to go do something fun...what fun actually consists of, I'm not sure yet. When its 110' outside, it limits a bit what fun activities we can do! *g* As far as the diet thing does...still havent motivated myself to do much of anything. Ugh. I wish phen-fen were still on the market. Heart problems or not, I was able to lose so much weight on that! Maybe I'll look into the other appetite suppressants on the market. I heard Meridia doesn't work as well though...

August 16th: Today was the first day of school so it's been hectic the last week getting my daughter ready to start 3rd grade. Still haven't been able to manage any type of weight loss program, its so damn frustrating I wish I could just say F*@$ it and accept myself as being fat.

September 2nd: Well, since I only had three entries last month, I decided to just combine my August and September journals. I've been doing so badly lately. Can't even face writing about it in my journal. I got desperate and ordered this weight loss stuff from www.swisslabs2000.com It's supposed to "magically" melt away fat and it absorbs 200x its weight to help make you feel fuller and eat less. I tried two tablets this evening, but I can't say it really made me feel too different. I do feel full, but I also ate a pretty hefty portion of steak and rice tonite too! Will let ya know if it works.

September 5th: Happy Birthday to my Mommy today! She turned the big "50" Wish I could have been in Texas to share it with her. We went to the movies and saw "Sixth Sense" today... GREAT movie. I loved it. Loved the popcorn too. And the large coke. *sigh* I have a confession to make....I've been thinking about Weight Loss Surgery. Actually, have been thinking about it for years now, but lately can't stop thinking about it. I even went so far as to when Pat's company offered the new insurance plans, I signed us up for a PPO instead of an HMO because I've heard it's easier to get approval with a PPO rather than an HMO. I wish I felt there was another way to do it, but with all the attempts I've tried at losing this weight, and all the failures, I'm starting to think I need something more...

September 13th (300): Yup....there it is. I never in my whole life thought I'd ever see that number on my scale. I was so shocked and numb when I got on the scale this morning. Well...I don't know why I was shocked...that's what happens when you eat like there's no tomorrow. I feel so ashamed. I just can't believe three years ago I was a size 7 at 135 lbs. It seems like a lifetime ago. I can't even picture myself thin anymore. All I see is this big fat lump of goo with my face stuck in the middle of it.

September 19th: So much has happened in the last week, I'm not sure how to put it all into words. Pat is moving out of the house...he's finally gotten to the point that he can't take it anymore. I've let my depression and frustrations with my weight get to the point that he just can't stay in the situation any longer. He's going to move in with a friend of his and keep me on his insurance so that I can try to get the weight loss surgery done. He's going to continue to help pay the bills as long as I need his help. He said if I want to move back to Texas, he'll pay for everything it will take to get me back there. I can't blame him for wanting to get out...I've been such a monster to him the past three years. This weight gain and depression has just consumed me to the point that if he stays in the situation any longer it is going to cause him to go back to drinking. He has 10 years sobriety under his belt, and he has to get out of the situation. I love him so much, I just wish things could be back the way they were when we first met. It's gotten to the point now that even if things *could* be as good as they used to be, I don't think it would matter to him. He just doesn't care anymore. He said he'd keep me on his insurance, so as soon as he gets his insurance cards I'm going to make an appointment with the weight loss surgeon and try to get approved to have the surgery done. I'm so desperate at this point that I think this is the only option I have. I've tried everything...phen-fen, liquid diets, Atkins, The Zone, Weight Watchers....nothing seems to work for me.

September 21st (290): I guess it's true what they say about a broken heart being good for losing weight...I've dropped 10 lbs since last week and all this stuff going on with Pat. My stomach is just in knots, I eat a few bites of food and I feel nauseated. Pat came by the house last night and we had a pretty good talk...he started talking about how our relationship was in the beginning and he actually started to cry. It was a real eye-opener for me to see him cry... in the 3 years we've been together, this is only the third time. I have an appointment tomorrow to see a psychiatrist and I'm going to start getting counseling to try to deal with all these emotions I've had the last three years. I also made an appointment for October 4th with a weight loss surgeon to get an opinion on Weight loss surgery...

September 25th (287): Still hanging in there, sometimes I feel like it's just barely by a thread. I saw the shrink on Wednesday and I'm taking Paxil for depression and Buspar for anxiety. He said it could take a couple weeks to start noticing any changes. I guess I didn't mention in the above journal entries, but Pat is dating a 20 year old girl from his work. My initial reaction was to panic and think "How is he ever going to see that I'm trying to make myself better if he's involved with someone else?" I know I have to quit thinking like that. I have to go on with my life and not worry about what he's doing. I just want him back so much. I was talking to a friend of mine, her husband is Pat's best friend. She has met this girl "Sam" that Pat has started dating. She doesn't like her and can't imagine what Pat sees in her. But she said something to me that gave me something to think of... she said that once I lose this weight and start feeling good about myself again, I may not even WANT him back in my life, much less be able to forgive him for leaving me in the first place. Right now it's hard to imagine that, but who knows. I've been keeping busy this morning cleaning house and I'm having the carpets cleaned this afternoon. While the carpets are drying I think I'll take Alexis to a movie to try to get my mind on something else for a change. Then I'll come home and move my furniture back into place again. Maybe having a clean house will cheer me up. Oh.. one thing I wanted to mention here, maybe someone will have some feedback for me...I'm living in a three bedroom apartment. Pat has agreed to continue paying 1/2 of all the bills here until at least June when Alexis gets out of school and then he'll help me move to Texas if that's what I want to do. I offered to move into a 2 bedroom apartment in the same complex to cut back on expenses and he said No, for now just stay where I am....am I reading too much into this....does he not want me to move into a 2 bedroom because he's not so sure that he doesn't ever want to come back? Arghhhh... I probably shouldn't even torture myself wondering...

September 26th (286): I took Alexis to see Runaway Bride yesterday...I'm not sure if it was because it was a romantic type movie, but towards the end of the movie, I started having an anxiety attack. My chest got real tight and it was hard to breathe. My heart was racing. It happened 3-4 times before I got home. I hope this medication helps stop these attacks...it feels like I'm having a HEART attack everytime it happens. I work for a 911 ambulance as a medical biller and I used to see these call sheets come through where people called 911 during a panic attack and I would think "Sheeeeze what an abuse of 911" After going through these attacks the past week I can now understand why some people call 911...it's that scary. (of course I couldnt make *myself* call 911 because then everyone at work would know what a looney I am. *g* My appetite seems to be getting a little better so I'm going to concentrate on getting more balanced nutritious meals in.

September 29th (282): Still hanging in here...sometimes I feel like only barely by a string though...Pat came by tonite to do some work on his computer. It was the first time I've seen him since he left 10 days ago that I didn't fall apart and cry in front of him. I tried making non-chalant small talk with him, i even went so far as to ask him how things were going with Sam. He claims he doesn't know if things are getting serious between them, but yet he admitted that he spends almost every night over there. I told him that he can't stand being by himself and that if Sam hadn't come into the picture he wouldn't have left me when he did because he'd rather have been miserable with me than miserable by himself. I think I hit the nail on the head with that comment, judging by his expression. But, I have to quit worrying about what's going on in HIS head and worry about what's going on in MY head. Easier said than done...

September 30th (282): Well, I did something today that I haven't done in well over a YEAR...I EXERCISED. I mean, really exercised...not just 10 minute walks around the building on my work breaks like I've been doing. I went to the gym and got on the treadmill and did 1.5 miles at 3.0 mph for 30 minutes. I was sweating so bad!! But ya know...as hard as it was, it felt GREAT when I was done. For the first time in over three years I got that feeling when I was exercising...it was like...the first 20 minutes I kept pushing myself and wasn't sure if I was going to make it...then all of a sudden this feeling came over me and I knew I was going to do it. I used to get that feeling all the time when I exercised at the gym and I had forgotten what a great feeling of accomplishment it is. I've been having a problem with insomnia the past two weeks and wake up every morning on the nose at 5am. (Dont have to get out of bed until 6) so if it happens again tomorrow... I'm going to get my ass out of bed and go to the treadmill again! I'm going to do it this time. No matter what it takes I will be successful losing weight this time. I have 18 lbs down this month to prove it.