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January 2001

January 3rd (197 lbs): Happy New Years everyone!! Took me a few days to get my journal going, but here it is. Almost 4 years of online journaling...its so hard to believe here it is a new year. I have so many resolutions, but haven't even sat down and wrote them all down and prioritized them yet, but will be posting shortly. I do want to share with you that since my first journal entry in April 1997, my starting weight was 210 lbs. I'd lose a bit, gain a lot, lose a bit, gain a lot over the last three years, and of course everyone knows I made the drastic decision to have weight loss surgery. I just want to share that I just realized today that I weight less today than when I started doing this journal. I weighed exactly the same (210 lbs) on October 8, 2000. On November 15th, 2000 I hit the 200 lb mark for the first time in 4 years. And I'm happy to announce that I went below the 200 mark for the first time on December 16th last month. Today I can happily say this is the lowest weight I've been in over 4 years and with the grace and will of God, my family, and the weight loss support groups that have been here through me through the whole 90 lb gain (a total of 170 lbs that I've gained since October of 1996)..and the loss so far of 103 of those pounds...I'll never see those lbs again. Ok, now that I've rambled on and on and I know that everything I just typed made no sense what-so-ever. I'll stop rambling. I guess I just started thinking about the past years and for the first time in a long time, things just seem to finally be turning around for me.

January 6th (194 lbs): Wow..I'm just amazed that the weight loss has started back again. After a close to 6 month plateau where I hardly lost anything, I was getting a bit anxious that maybe I'd be one of the surgery "failures". If you haven't seen the Carnie Wilson picture on People magazine, it's a must see. She looks so beautiful and so happy. I try to envision myself being at her size and to be able to say "I'm half the size I used to be." For me to do that, I'll have to get to 150 lbs, which is only 44 lbs away. Oh my god, after the last four years I never thought I'd ever say that. Even today I still beat myself up for being at goal weight (134 lbs) and letting myself gain it all back. When you see people that lose weight and put it back on you tend to think "There is no way in the world I'd ever ever let myself get fat, if I could just lose it the first time." And as most of you know...it doesn't matter how much weight you do lose, those eating habits that got you where you were in the first place won't ever go away..they'll always be lurking around trying to sabotage you back to where you once were. I'm going to start seeing a therapist this month...I think its long over due. I've got years and years of issues that I didn't deal with when I was packing on the pounds, and I think when I got so skinny the last time, I just wasn't prepared for all the changes. I tried to change things to fast, I wanted everything right then and right now, all the things I didn't have when I was fat...self esteem, an awesome boyfriend that cared about me, a body that others would be impressed by, that I could show off my body for the first time. Waaaaaaaaaaaaay too fast. I found out that being skinny didn't take away any of the issues I had with being fat. I'm hoping that since I've already been down that path once, and I saw what happened and gained it all back, that this time with HELP from a professional therapist, that I can work through things.....especially my self-esteem issues when it comes to dating/men. To update you on where my personal life has headed..Scott (the guy I wrote about that I wasn't really physically attracted to because of his weight) well, we mutually agreed that the chemistry just wasn't there...I think we both realized that my heart definately wasn't leading in the direction a relationship should. Although my heart still tells me he's a great and caring guy...my head tells me that I'm just grasping at the first thing that comes along and want to make it "THE ONE" that works this time. I don't want to settle..I know there is more out there and I have to be patient. I seem to babble on and on every time I take time to update, I think I'd better update shorter more concise entries or no one will come back to read anymore. *grin*

January 20th (190 lbs): Sorry it's been so long since I've updated my weight loss journal...I discovered a different journal type thing on the web called www.livejournal.com and have been posting there. Most of the people that post on my friends list there are people that I have met online from an irc channel #texas on efnet that I have met in real life. I have a confession to make. Despite the fact that Scott and I mutually decided that we were better off as friends than as boyfriend/girlfriend; I have been so depressed. I miss him. I miss how safe and comfortable he made me feel when he held me. And even though I didn't really want a relationship with him, because I was so afraid that I'd gain all my weight back being with him...I still feel all the same feelings I felt when my relationship with Pat ended. Sorrow, anger, guilt, depression, and most of all, I felt like a failure. Like this is one more thing that I couldn't hold together. I keep torturing myself with "what if he *was* the *one* and I let him go because of my stupid hang-up with weight issues??? What if...what if what if...its such torture. I spoke with my pastor about this and I mentioned the fact that Scott and I had difference of religious opinions also, which was another issue I'm not sure we could have gotten through. My pastor said that God would lead me to the right man, when he thinks I'm ready. Not when I think I'm ready. The lonliness just makes it so unbearable to wait for the right one to come along. On a side note, the weight loss is still coming off...I've lost 110 lbs in less than a year and a half. People at work and my family tell me I look even smaller than 190 lbs, I think maybe because I carried that extra weight for so long my bones got heavier. I'm now fitting into some clothing that is not in the plus sizes, however most of the time I stick with the 18w because I'm still not comfortable with anything that clings. Wow...I think I've shared way more information with you than anyone would care to know. If I haven't said it recently...I really appreciate all my weight loss buddies that have stuck though this with me for the last four years. Marcia, I would have never have gotten through all the rough times without you!!!! Cat, I'm so glad you are back, I missed you terribly. Randi, Kim, Doris, Shelly... you've all been so encouraging to me. I better stop now, I know I'm leaving out names, and I hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings. Everyone on our lists has been so helpful to me in one way or another, and everyone that shares their stories whether they are successes or failures has brought something to me that I can use. If you've made it this far to read through my ramblings, thank you for listening.

January 31st: I went to Austin last weekend for four days and have had a blast. Haven't weighed myself in almost two weeks because I know I have eaten way more than normal and not the best choices. But I've been back on track for the last three days and am feeling much better. My clothes are still about to fall off of me, so that's a good sign at least. I got together with a friend of mine while in Austin that I hadn't seen in at least 5 years, we spent a lot of time together and I really really enjoyed seeing him again. He seems a bit shy, so I don't know if he's just not interested or if he's just shy about it...will wait to see what happens.

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Julie aka Jabbers

jabbers@jabbers.net


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