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Jabbers 1999 October Journal

October 3rd (283): Yesterday was really hard for me... Pat came by to get the rest of his things. He's planning on getting an apartment with that 20 year old girl from work named Samantha. Alexis and I will be moving into the two bedroom apartment next door probably next weekend. As much as it hurts now, I know it's probably for the best. It just doesn't seem that way. I feel like my life has fallen apart.

October 6th (282): On Monday I had my initial consultation with the surgeon that I hope will preform the gastric bypass surgery on me. Now comes the long hard wait of trying to get the insurance to approve me. I've been talking to others that have done it, and they've said that its very difficult to get approved the first time, you usually have to appeal it more than once. But if you are persistant and organized with presenting why this surgery is necessary for you, then there's a good chance I can get it approved. There is an attorney that solely deals with obesity issues, and if needed I can have him send a letter to the insurance company as well. I'm trying not to worry about it too much... maybe for once something great will happen in my life and they'll approve me right off the bat! I always have to do everything the hard way ;) I'm still missing Pat like crazy. I managed to go the whole day at work yesterday without calling him. That is a HUGE step for me.. I usually find a reason to call him at least 2-3 times a day. **Update** Well, I didn't go through today without calling Pat...but at least I kept the conversation very light and friendly. Even that was hard. I wanted to question him about that girl Sam he's dating...are they more serious...that kind of stuff... he's staying at her house... how much more information do I need??? Sheeeze. The things I want to torture myself with.

October 9th (278): Pat is supposed to be coming by today to get the 150 gallon fish tank, and then all of his things will officially be gone. Tomorrow is our 3 year anniversary. I had asked him last week if we could do something together and he said yes... I hope he will keep his promise. The thought of spending my anniversary alone is just more than I can deal with right now. This morning I went to a psychologist to get an evaluation to send to the insurance company to get approval on my weight loss surgery. Please keep your fingers crossed for me that I can get approval the first time around. My emotions are so on edge right now that I just hate the thought of having to fight the insurance company.

October 10th (278): Surprise, surprise...Pat didn't show up today or even call to tell me he wasn't coming. Last night when he was here picking up the fish tank he said he'd call me when he woke up so we could decide what to do. I don't know why I expected that he'd want to spend our 3rd anniversary together....he's got his anorexic little 20 year old with no kids to tie her down. What in the world made me think he'd want to come HERE to celebrate the day we first met?

October 13th: I slipped the last two days and didn't go on the treadmill...it sure was hard getting back into the groove when I finally got on it again tonite. I did an extra 15 minutes after my normal 30 minutes at 1.5 miles. I slowed it down to 2.5mph and I upped the incline to 6 % and did that for three minutes, then went to 5% for three minutes, then 4%, and so on and so on for a total of 15 minutes. I actually think I worked harder in that 15 minutes than I did in the first 30 minute workout. According to the treadmill I was definately burning more calories while on the incline. I went to see my primary care physician yesterday and got a referral for the surgeon for my insurance, Cigna HMO. Pat's insurance, Great West PPO I've already submitted everything and am waiting to see if they'll approve weight loss surgery. I'm hoping one of the two insurances will approve me. With all the bad stuff that is happening between Pat and me, this is one thing that I pray I don't have to fight and jump through hoops to get approved. I just want to have this surgery so I can get this weight off. To update you on my relationship problems, I'm going to move into the two bedroom apartment that is right next door to where I live now. I figure it will be cheaper and I won't have to rent a truck since I'm only moving about 15 feet away. I think it will be good for me to get out of this apartment that has memories of Pat everywhere I look. I haven't been able to keep my resolution of not calling him everyday...I still keep finding lame excuses for calling him. I can tell he's annoyed that I call him, but how do I just turn off three years of habit? He's the one I've told everything to every single day for the last three years. Now just because he's got a new girlfriend suddenly I'm supposed to be over him. He informed me yesterday that he couldn't help me move this weekend because he's going to California...I'm sure to show off his new girlfriend to his friends and family. I had to resort to asking one of the neighbors (which I barely even know) if he'd help me move my stuff. Of course, he could hardly say no when I'm standing there blubbering about how Pat moved out and I didnt have anyone else...I'm sure I was a pathetic sight!

October 16th: I've got most of my stuff moved to the new apartment. My neighbor, Gary came through for me big time by bringing 4-5 of his friends over last night and they moved all the furniture for me. Now all I have left is the miscellaneous stuff that I don't have a place for and all the cleaning that goes along with moving. Marcia sent me some self help books to read, and there is one that is about Anger that I think will be good for me. I've had so much anger inside for so long, sometimes I think it will be impossible to get rid of it all. Guess it takes baby steps though, just a little bit at a time.

October 19th (275 lbs): Today is exactly one month since Pat and I split up. Sometimes I think it seems like just yesterday he was still here and other times it feels like a lifetime ago. I finished getting everything moved over tonite and Pat came by to install the light in my ceiling fan and give me some money. It was a good visit, we didnt talk about anything important, just made small talk. This is the first time I've seen him since he's left that I didn't get that longing, empty feeling when I saw him. (Maybe it's just because I'm so darn exhausted from moving, I was too tired to have any emotions when I saw him). But, it was nice to see him without yelling, screaming, crying, fighting, begging..etc, etc. My goal is to get through the next two days without calling him. He said he'd come by later this week or this weekend to hook up my dss dish and stereo system to the tv and network my computer with Alexis' so she can get on the internet. So, I figure if I can go two days without calling him or talking to him online, then calling him on Friday to find out when he can come by to do those things won't be "Making up an excuse to talk to him.. Or bugging him every day" like he says I do. After three years of talking to him every single day multiple times on the phone it's hard to just stop calling him cold turkey. As it is now, I'm taking it an hour at a time. When I get the urge to call him I try to say ok, go one hour without calling him and then I try to find something to do. An hour later will go by and I'll try to find something else to keep me occupied. It doesn't always work and I'll admit I did call him twice today... but I called him 3 times yesterday, so at least it's an improvement!!!

October 20th (275 lbs): I found out today that I was approved for my weight loss surgery. The insurance initially denied me, but when I spoke with the case manager he told me that it was denied because I did not have 12 consecutive months of medically supervised weight loss. I explained to him that the reason there was a lapse between the two weight loss programs was because I had two knee surgeries during that time period. The case manager said that was ok and that he could overturn the denial and approve the surgery. So tentatively I'm scheduled for early November to have gastric bypass. (It's also referred to as open RNY surgery)

October 23rd (274 lbs): Have been busy trying to get things organized before my surgery. I have a surgery date set for November 3rd. Yesterday I had my EKG done and on Tuesday I have a pulmonary function study (basically they want to make sure my lungs are working ok because there is a high risk of getting pneumonia after you have surgery) I'm trying to find someone to watch my daughter while I'm in the hospital. I know she'd feel more comfortable if Pat were to stay here with her, but I just don't think he'd leave his precious anorexic 20 year old (can you tell I'm still bitter?) to come stay here at the house with Alexis. The thought of him bringing HER into my house makes me want to vomit...I have become friends with a lady here in the complex and I'm hoping she won't mind letting Alexis stay with her for a few days while I'm in the hospital. I have so much that needs to be done before I have surgery...I need to get all my stuff unpacked because no telling how long it will be before I'll feel up to cleaning and organizing after surgery. But despite all that needs to be done, it feels like November 3rd will NEVER get here!!!!!!!! I'm so scared something will happen between now and then and it won't happen. Like the insurance will call me and say they made a mistake and they are denying it.

October 29th (274): Well, the moved my surgery date up from November 3rd to Monday November 1st.. just two days away!!!!! I'm getting so nervous, but excited too. Alexis will be staying with my neighbor, she's been so wonderful to help me out. I've also been talking with a woman who also had the weight loss surgery who lives nearby (met her on the net on a weight loss support group) and she offered to take me to the hospital on Monday. She's the sweetest lady!! I'm going to her house on Sunday and we're going to take my daughter trick or treating and get in a bit of walking exercise at the same time! I'm so excited to finally be able to have a friend here that is just *MINE* and not the wife of one of Pat's friends (which are the only friends I have here right now...and of course things are real awkward with the whole break up situation, so they don't call much). My surgery is at Mesa Lutheran Hospital Monday afternoon at 4pm. Will post the phone number on my mailing lists in case anyone wants to call and wish me luck.. send pain-free thoughts my way, please!

October 31st: It's 15 minutes til midnight which will officially take me to the day of my surgery!!! I'm so nervous, but so excited too. I'm really positive that this is the right decision for me. I've received so much encouragement and support from my online friends...I can't thank you enough for being here for me. I'll update you as soon as I get out of the hospital and feel better...it may be a week or so. Keep me in your prayers...



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